Sunday night was dread night for me.
I had run out of my anti nausea medication and was dreading going in for my last week of full on Chemo. 5 more days of injections and drugs and feeling unwell, followed by the last 2 weeks on 1 day a piece.
I had seen my oncologist on Thursday who was impressed with my general health and gave me some stirring words to last out the next 3 weeks. He booked me in for follow up CT and Blood and reminded me that only 20% of people in my position need to have a follow up operation (to remove the two locations of spread). So it is looking good for monitoring instead of surgery and therefore being closer to the whole things being over.
Mentally however I was still dreading the last leg. I was very ill during the 2nd cycle – I actually threw up more than once and while I worked and got around I felt ill a lot of the time and it is taxing to be strong for family, work, kids, life etc. Hell even just speaking to people at the shop is struggle when you think you might throw up at any moment.
I went and checked out the local music store, to source that last part for the guitar build that has taken forever!!! I found them but need to order and find the $70. It was hard just speaking to them and being civil. I don’t want to explain why I look like I’m about to throw up to a sales assistant…
Also the work gossip mill is not working… or at least it didn’t for one person. He joked about my new hair style, to which I said “it will it will grow back!” His reply “I hope it’s not because of chemo…”. “Well actually it is…” I felt bad as I could see he was shocked and he apologized straight away. I wasn’t offended he truly did not know, I felt sorry because I thought I had got the word out there so that people wouldn’t feel bad and could talk to me honestly or ignore it if they couldn’t.
I realise that even making it public has some issues, but I still stand by being out there and open about it. It’s not something to be ashamed of or even touchy about. There are plenty of people who are touched by Cancer… and like mental illness it should be talked about more and understood more to people can survive this horrid disease.
So back to the start of this final leg.
I posted something about struggling to go back, about the mental strength it takes to go the clinic and take the drugs and my friend Darren called me the strongest person he knows. I don’t see myself that way, I just see that I do what has to be done – no matter the pain no matter the costs. I WILL DO IT. It was thinking this and trying to pull a witty reply that I understand that my doing, and keeping on doing is showing strength. So Darren – I turned up on Monday, I took a deep breath and went in head held high, stomach in, shoulders back ready to rock!
Monday wasn’t too bad, it was a late slow start but Anji stayed with me and Mumpa took on the kid wrangling for us… which I am sure she enjoyed! I know Kate and Tara love having her here helping us!
But I felt good… I was ill and had my script filled so I could take my pills and sleep…
Today was similar – even quicker than Monday which was good… I went for a walk after my session and felt mostly OK. we have Pizza for dinner tonight and I have managed to write this blog… so while there are still 3 days to this week (and more to come) I am feeling strong once again and happy that I am able to handle this.
What makes it a little tainted is that our friend Graham Swam lost his fight to Leukemia yesterday. I will still be fighting on in your name Graham – you had a bad hand dealt and fought all you could, I am one of the luckier ones. Good night Graham.
Sunday night was dread night for me.